Grey

The other day I reluctantly rented Side Effects. I say "reluctantly" because I've suffered terrible side effects from various medications and I was truly terrified that the film would put bad ideas in  my head. I think a lot of the "side effects" I've experienced may actually all be psychological in nature. Without spoiling too much about the movie, I wanted to share a quote from it that sort of blew my mind:

Imagine everything you ever wanted shows up one day and calls itself your life. And then, just when you start to believe in it... gone. And suddenly, it gets very hard to imagine a future. That's depression, right?

In August 2004, I thought my life was complete. Moments of infinity happened every day. I was completely comfortable about myself and had a future lain out in front of me. I had fully recognized how wonderful my childhood had been. I was living in the perfect state. I was entering my senior year of high school, ranked number 21 out of almost 700. I had the perfect relationship. The perfect group of friends. Everything in the world was starting to make sense. It felt beautiful.

Then on September 15, 2004, we sold the house.

Now, for a moment, imagine feeling like everything in your life was going to be perfect. Imagine having a plan for what the future held - what you'd wear for senior prom, what college you would go to, who you would marry, and when you would start a family - and having it all combust in front of you one sweaty afternoon in the bedroom you had for 15 years.

Encompassed in walls layered in purple paint from 1989 and surrounded by memories of high school, I was informed by my mother that everything was about to change. I remember telling Samantha on AIM. All she said was "fuck."

I can also remember letting the sadness seep in for a brief amount of time. I can remember sobbing until I felt like I would throw up. Then, I remember sucking it all back in and holding onto it. Never to let it go again.

October 20th, 2004 (10:17 pm)
current mood: optimistic
current song: the strokes

I don't understand why this has to be so sad.

I only cried once this evening, and it was while I was in Sean's arms.

Everything will be okay. I can't stress that enough. Everything will be okay. I promise.

Tomorrow I am going out with my lovelies.

I feel really good.

I lived in denial until we left. October 22. On the car ride to Georgia, I had no thoughts. I couldn't feel anything and I couldn't emote in general. I cried once in a while, but I feel like it was more about longing for the past. Because honestly? I didn't see where the future was headed.

I didn't know anything about Georgia. What would prom be like now? Surely I wouldn't have a date. Why would I even want to go? Where would I go to college? I couldn't just abandon my plans... could I? What's UGA? What's Georgia Tech? Would Sean really be there for me? I had dated my share of "winners" who wanted to have their cake and eat it too. Was he the same way? And why would I want anyone but him? No one could be better than perfect. I didn't want a country family.

Suddenly all my decisions were colored the black that was my prospects in Georgia (family? stability? affordability? scholarship?) and the white that was my past in California (friends? lovers? familiarity?), leaving me just to feel the grey of uncertainty.

And I couldn't imagine a future at all any more. I lost touch with my sensibilities, with my writing talents, and with my social capacities. My life had more and more moments of feeling infinitesimal.

The only solution seemed psychiatry. And a diagnosis that hangs around my neck every day like a relic. And endless amounts of pills that just keep me at zero.

Which makes me wonder. Was this a diagnosable disease? Or is the cure to not being able to imagine a future (nearly ten years ago!) to be to embrace the one I have since built?

Is this depression? or something mimicking it?

Smokey Chipotle Tri-Tip Chili

In my past life, I would have posted this recipe to my food blog. But my food blog disappoints me and I want to start over.

This recipe came to me this morning as I was pondering over what I was going to do with a whole pound of leftover smoked tri-tip. What a fabulous idea.

First, the ingredients:

1 tbsp canola oil

 4 cloves garlic, minced

 1 dried chipotle pepper, divided in half, one half chopped, one half solid

1 1/2 cups (1 pound?) smoked tri-tip, diced (mine was previously cooked and taken straight out of the fridge)

1/8 cup brown sugar

 2 15-oz cans tomato sauce

4 tbsp chili powder

dash of cinnamon

1 tsp garlic powder

1 tsp salt

1 tsp pepper

1/2 tbsp paprika

1 tbsp Italian seasoning/oregano

 1 tbsp maple syrup

1 15-oz can white kidney beans

1 15-oz can red kidney benas

1/4 cup masa/corn meal

That's a lot of junk. But it is yummy.

Prep ingredients beforehand, so you can just dump them in.

Heat the canola oil  in a large stock pot over medium heat for about a minute (just so it gets hot). Then pour in the minced garlic and stir it in just until it is fragrant. At that point, add the diced half of the dried chipotle pepper and continue cooking it. This will add heat to the base of your chili.

Once it's nice and spicy-smelling, it's time to add the diced smoked tri-tip. Cook this to a good sear - you'll notice the meat getting darker and all the smells will combine into a smokey wonderland in your pot. Then add the brown sugar to give it a  bit of caramelization.

Once that's nicely incorporated, reduce the heat to low and add the tomato sauce.  Pour in the chili powder and the cinnamon. Mix it all up and let it gradually get to a boil.

At this point, you can add the rest of the spices, including the garlic powder, the salt, the pepper, the paprika, and the Italian seasonings/oregano. Top it off with the maple syrup.

Mix it together thoroughly, then dump in the white kidney beans and the red kidney beans. Add the solid half of the dried chipotle pepper.

Stir very well, cover, and reduce heat to a simmer (basically as low as your stove top will allow you to go without turning off), and allow those amazing flavors to mingle for about an hour. You should also make sure to stir the chili once every 10-15 minutes just to make sure it doesn't get stuck to the pot.

After the hour is over, add in the masa and about 1 tbsp of water. Mix that in there to thicken, then allow it to continue to cook for another fifteen minutes.

In the end, you should get a very thick, very smokey (yet slightly sweet!) chili. And if you're anything like me, you need to top it with a thousand things just because you need an excuse to eat them. I'm obsessed with cheese, sour cream, green onions, and olives, so chili is the perfect excuse to eat them all at once.

Hope it's delicious.