Dawn

The misconception about morning is that she breaks into the landscape
like her cousin, the thunderstorm.
This is conceptually untrue.

Dawn’s early kiss hello starts with a deep purple pucker that smolders just at the horizon.
As lips part, the remains of her rouge stain pink for the start of the day.

The purest light –
unmoved by daily follies (or exaltations) –
reaches first the trees.
Splintering shimmers tease your eyes:
these are the morning stars.
They play tricks on your mind
and suddenly you believe that all is possible.

Shadows take on a hue –
darkness is unavailable this early.
Sinister potential remains in bed.

Early air is crisp and unpolluted by intervention.
It is easier to breathe, assured that dawn is here.
Dew collects inside you without regard or damage, and you grow:
refreshed by it.

Yet, as any coy mistress,
the morning must take her exit.
As smoothly and as subtly that she came, she will fade away.
She becomes but another stranger in the crowd,
unrecognized until she is beckoned more.

Shrimp Scampi Cakes!

I had some (nine) leftover shrimp from my last recipe and I didn't think that there was much I could do with it. Then I remembered the Thai shrimp cakes my family used to get from Siam Rice II in Newhall (lol) and looked up some recipes. Most of them called for Panko bread crumbs, which I have, but that made me think of the Italian bread crumbs I have leftover from a recipe from two weeks ago. Long story short, I invented a recipe just to use them.

Silly vine I prepared with it


Ingredients
1 pound shrimp, deveined, peeled
1/4 cup finely diced white onion
1 garlic clove, finely minced
1 1/2 cups Italian-style bread crumbs
1 egg
2 tsp lemon juice
1 tsp lemon zest
a pinch each of salt, pepper, thyme, and oregano
3 tbsp olive oil
Lemon butter sauce, for serving - no recipe here because I haven't perfected mine yet

Roughly dice the shrimp and place them in a food processor. Grind them slightly (you still want chunks, but small chunks). Place the ground shrimp in the bowl of a stand mixer. Roughly chop the white onion and then place it in the food processor for a finer chop. Add this to the stand mixer bowl. Mince the garlic and add this. Add the bread crumbs, egg, lemon juice, lemon zest, and spices. Mix with the stand mixer until well-incorporated.

Shape the mixture into round patties roughly three inches wide and one and a half inches tall. Place them on a wax-paper-lined cookie sheet and refrigerate for at least 15 minutes.

Heat the olive oil in a large skillet over a medium-high flame. Cook the patties for about 4-5 minutes per side or until cooked through.

Serve over pasta and lemon butter sauce.

Cilantro Butter Poached Shrimp

Tonight was actually the first time I ever cooked actual shrimp. Let me explain. I usually buy pre-cooked shrimp and then go from there. But I thought that would not do the job for poaching shrimp.

It was amazing.

Here's the recipe:

Cilantro Butter Poached Shrimp
Ingredients:
2 tablespoons water
1 cup butter, in about 12 chunks
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro
1 pinch of salt
1 pound shrimp, deveined

In a skillet just large enough to hold all the shrimp, heat the water just until it gets to a simmer, over a medium flame. My husband calls this point "the eyes" because of the millions of tiny bubbles in the water. Next, throw in the butter and the cilantro. Whisk continuously to make sure that the butter and water don't separate. Add the salt.

When it is at a simmer, throw in the shrimp and maintain the heat so that it is just simmering. Cook for about 2.5 minutes, making sure the water and butter are still blended well. Flip the shrimp and cook another 2.5 minutes.

Check for done-ness by cutting one of the shrimp in half. It should be white and not transparent.

And that's all there is to it! I guess there's a little bit of technique because you need to make sure all the parts stay together and that the temperature is consistent. The result should be perfectly cooked, tender shrimp!!

Grey

The other day I reluctantly rented Side Effects. I say "reluctantly" because I've suffered terrible side effects from various medications and I was truly terrified that the film would put bad ideas in  my head. I think a lot of the "side effects" I've experienced may actually all be psychological in nature. Without spoiling too much about the movie, I wanted to share a quote from it that sort of blew my mind:

Imagine everything you ever wanted shows up one day and calls itself your life. And then, just when you start to believe in it... gone. And suddenly, it gets very hard to imagine a future. That's depression, right?

In August 2004, I thought my life was complete. Moments of infinity happened every day. I was completely comfortable about myself and had a future lain out in front of me. I had fully recognized how wonderful my childhood had been. I was living in the perfect state. I was entering my senior year of high school, ranked number 21 out of almost 700. I had the perfect relationship. The perfect group of friends. Everything in the world was starting to make sense. It felt beautiful.

Then on September 15, 2004, we sold the house.

Now, for a moment, imagine feeling like everything in your life was going to be perfect. Imagine having a plan for what the future held - what you'd wear for senior prom, what college you would go to, who you would marry, and when you would start a family - and having it all combust in front of you one sweaty afternoon in the bedroom you had for 15 years.

Encompassed in walls layered in purple paint from 1989 and surrounded by memories of high school, I was informed by my mother that everything was about to change. I remember telling Samantha on AIM. All she said was "fuck."

I can also remember letting the sadness seep in for a brief amount of time. I can remember sobbing until I felt like I would throw up. Then, I remember sucking it all back in and holding onto it. Never to let it go again.

October 20th, 2004 (10:17 pm)
current mood: optimistic
current song: the strokes

I don't understand why this has to be so sad.

I only cried once this evening, and it was while I was in Sean's arms.

Everything will be okay. I can't stress that enough. Everything will be okay. I promise.

Tomorrow I am going out with my lovelies.

I feel really good.

I lived in denial until we left. October 22. On the car ride to Georgia, I had no thoughts. I couldn't feel anything and I couldn't emote in general. I cried once in a while, but I feel like it was more about longing for the past. Because honestly? I didn't see where the future was headed.

I didn't know anything about Georgia. What would prom be like now? Surely I wouldn't have a date. Why would I even want to go? Where would I go to college? I couldn't just abandon my plans... could I? What's UGA? What's Georgia Tech? Would Sean really be there for me? I had dated my share of "winners" who wanted to have their cake and eat it too. Was he the same way? And why would I want anyone but him? No one could be better than perfect. I didn't want a country family.

Suddenly all my decisions were colored the black that was my prospects in Georgia (family? stability? affordability? scholarship?) and the white that was my past in California (friends? lovers? familiarity?), leaving me just to feel the grey of uncertainty.

And I couldn't imagine a future at all any more. I lost touch with my sensibilities, with my writing talents, and with my social capacities. My life had more and more moments of feeling infinitesimal.

The only solution seemed psychiatry. And a diagnosis that hangs around my neck every day like a relic. And endless amounts of pills that just keep me at zero.

Which makes me wonder. Was this a diagnosable disease? Or is the cure to not being able to imagine a future (nearly ten years ago!) to be to embrace the one I have since built?

Is this depression? or something mimicking it?

Smokey Chipotle Tri-Tip Chili

In my past life, I would have posted this recipe to my food blog. But my food blog disappoints me and I want to start over.

This recipe came to me this morning as I was pondering over what I was going to do with a whole pound of leftover smoked tri-tip. What a fabulous idea.

First, the ingredients:

1 tbsp canola oil

 4 cloves garlic, minced

 1 dried chipotle pepper, divided in half, one half chopped, one half solid

1 1/2 cups (1 pound?) smoked tri-tip, diced (mine was previously cooked and taken straight out of the fridge)

1/8 cup brown sugar

 2 15-oz cans tomato sauce

4 tbsp chili powder

dash of cinnamon

1 tsp garlic powder

1 tsp salt

1 tsp pepper

1/2 tbsp paprika

1 tbsp Italian seasoning/oregano

 1 tbsp maple syrup

1 15-oz can white kidney beans

1 15-oz can red kidney benas

1/4 cup masa/corn meal

That's a lot of junk. But it is yummy.

Prep ingredients beforehand, so you can just dump them in.

Heat the canola oil  in a large stock pot over medium heat for about a minute (just so it gets hot). Then pour in the minced garlic and stir it in just until it is fragrant. At that point, add the diced half of the dried chipotle pepper and continue cooking it. This will add heat to the base of your chili.

Once it's nice and spicy-smelling, it's time to add the diced smoked tri-tip. Cook this to a good sear - you'll notice the meat getting darker and all the smells will combine into a smokey wonderland in your pot. Then add the brown sugar to give it a  bit of caramelization.

Once that's nicely incorporated, reduce the heat to low and add the tomato sauce.  Pour in the chili powder and the cinnamon. Mix it all up and let it gradually get to a boil.

At this point, you can add the rest of the spices, including the garlic powder, the salt, the pepper, the paprika, and the Italian seasonings/oregano. Top it off with the maple syrup.

Mix it together thoroughly, then dump in the white kidney beans and the red kidney beans. Add the solid half of the dried chipotle pepper.

Stir very well, cover, and reduce heat to a simmer (basically as low as your stove top will allow you to go without turning off), and allow those amazing flavors to mingle for about an hour. You should also make sure to stir the chili once every 10-15 minutes just to make sure it doesn't get stuck to the pot.

After the hour is over, add in the masa and about 1 tbsp of water. Mix that in there to thicken, then allow it to continue to cook for another fifteen minutes.

In the end, you should get a very thick, very smokey (yet slightly sweet!) chili. And if you're anything like me, you need to top it with a thousand things just because you need an excuse to eat them. I'm obsessed with cheese, sour cream, green onions, and olives, so chili is the perfect excuse to eat them all at once.

Hope it's delicious.

Seventy-Nine

Lately I've been focusing on myself and who I truly am. I've been concentrating on my beliefs and opinions and developing my conception of who I am, at the root.

And I keep thinking back to you.

As one of sixteen grandchildren, I'd let myself fade into the background. I know we've never been particularly close, but we have always loved each other.

But now I must admit: I feel as though I've lived in silent awe of your character.

I see in you compassion and a steadfast faith in the goodness of people. You value others and see their greatest potential. You understand that we, as any sort of group, have the responsibility to help others achieve their greatest potential. You cheer on the underdog and also praise the lucky who reach the top.

In your own life,  you've made the best out of potentially difficult circumstances and you have always remained optimistic.

It is your unwavering positivity and humanitarian outlook that has inspired me to become who I am today.

I love you so much and value the influence you've had upon me.

I hope you have the happiest of birthdays and I'll see you soon!

                                            Love always,
                                            Wendy